When the sun comes out and we get that itchy feeling around our nose, we know the plants are mating. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a cue for us, funky animals inhabiting nothing but concrete, to find a patch outdoors and do it in the midst of the pollen!
After the Winter hit article, Vienna’s 10 cheekiest and best spots for a quickie in public – the indoor edition, we knew we had to share our outdoor quickie spots with you. Here’s 9 of Vienna’s cheekiest spots for a quickie in public.
Take another kind of ride, in a Prater ride
This little exercise is all about finding the right ride for the ride. Careful! Don’t overestimate yourself and try it on the Riesenrad. You will fail, as there are many people in the cabin!! Unless you’re going for a group action, do it on a less populated ride such as Dizzy Mouse.
Sex in a Straßenbahn (tram)
We know this one’s indoors. However, the warm weather conditions greatly facilitate this sex in the Straßenbahn-number. Fewer clothes mean a quicker quickie, and a quicker quickie means not getting caught by Schwarzkappler.
In the park
Baring your private parts in a park is a ye’ old favourite for those who enjoy risky sexual escapades. In Vienna we recommend laying down a neat lady picnic blanket (or simply up against a tree with the squirrels looking on) in the sweeping parks like Türkenschanzpark or the Prater and, if you’re seeking a more riskier ‘mission-impossible’ option, plan one of your naked operations in Heldenplatz or Burggarten.
Best enjoyed with a bottle of chilled champagne and strawberries ready for after… under a tree, or in a bush (beware of sharp sticks).
Do the Boo-tang on a boat
(please note: we have no idea what the hell Boot-tang actually means)
Hire a boat (rowing or sail boats work better than paddle boats for this water sport – although the paddle boats with the slides could prove fun) on the Alte Donau and row, row, row your boat to a secluded spot on the river before baring your booty.
Tip: try to use the motion of the water and rocking of the boat to your advantage. If you haven’t capsized the boat by the end of play, you’ve done something wrong.
On a warm summer’s evening on top of Kahlenberg with Vienna’s city lights spread out below you – there’s nothing like sex with a spectacular view. We actually had a lover stop what they were doing during sex once to ask us to change positions so they could take full advantage of a beautiful view.
Oh, and there’s this one specific bench overlooking the vineyards – that’s the spot to do it.
The inner courtyard of the Hauptuni Wien (main university)
The university is a quiet spot during summer with most professors and students being on holiday. Hence, the inner courtyard of Vienna’s main university (Hauptuni Wien) makes for a great guerilla groping session (we mean sex – we’re sorry for the failed creative rebranding attempt). You might have to do a couple of stake outs (include donuts) to survey what the best time to roll around in the grass. Oh, and whatever you do, resist the urge to look at the busk of Freud in the corner of the courtyard.
Plus: If this doesn’t work out, head upstairs and see if you can find an unlocked lecture hall. Yes, doing in front of board scribbled with Physics equations is incredibly kinky. We even recommend wearing glasses for this one, even if they’re not required.
Another option for sex in a educational public institution: the inner numerous courtyards within the Altes AKH Uni campus also make for a splendid spot for a round of some learned slap and tickle in the early hours of the morning.
And remember, as the good man Frank Zappa said: “If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.”
Zentralfriedhof (Vienna’s central cemetery)
We realise the tight rope we’re walking here, with vicious, hungry crocodiles snapping below, claiming we’re sick, disrespectful and disgusting, or drawing a connotation between necrophilia and this suggestion, however, we’ve always been suckers (no pun intended) for a bit of controversy. Vienna’s Zentralfriedhof (Central cemetery) is vast with plenty of ideal outdoor spots for a quickie. Anyhow, what better way for the living to remind themselves that they’re alive. If you’re really disturbing, find yourself one of the many dead composers living here, put on one of their symphonies and make love slow and tenderly to it next to their tombstone.
Like good old Bukowski said, “Sex is kicking death in the ass while singing.”
In a 1st district apartment courtyard
Just casually slip together into one of the open doors leading to beautiful, secluded apartment inner courtyards. Keep in mind, you may have an audience above, but if you’re quiet enough, you should be able to get away with it before the neighbours can determine that the squeaking sounds are not coming from a raven, yet rather sheer delight being expressed from a mating ritual happening below.
Getting dirty in the Danube
We’re finishing off the list with one of the most romantic (and fun) of our quickie options. Wait until most of the crowds have headed home, strip down and dive into the Danube river – where sins are cleaned off to make room for more.
Warning: You may be attacked by armies of mosquitoes, but boy is it worth it. And who can be prouder than somebody with a mosquito bite planted right on their butt, or better yet, on their private parts. Ewwww, itchy just thinking about it.