Anyway, however they made it into your daily reading feed, we hope they give you a smile and some insight into what you can expect from 2018, based on, you know, planets and stuff.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
Being the first sign in the horoscope, you’re already setting the trends for all there is to come in 2018. Actually, you’ve been living in 2018 for weeks now! If Aries were a Vienna district, it would definitely be the 7th. Everybody wants to be you, and you love it! They stalk your Instagram feed, and stream into the places you post, like that cocktail bar in the far reaches of the 7th which was too damn hip to even put a sign up out front. This year, you’ll still be the one setting the tone, giving your friends ideas of where the party’s at. Your impulse and temperament will, as always, have you ending up somewhere completely random than where you started, even if this means a Balkan disco in the 16th, doing a circle dance with your new best buddies from Bosnia. You’ll take up unicycling this year as buying a retro Italian road bike and carrying it up the stairs of an Altbau to prop it up next to your desk in the office, is soooo done in Vienna. Oh, and with Jupiter in retrograde (we have no F**** idea what this means), you’ll find love in an unlikely place in the real world (think Lugner city shopping mall) rather than on Tinder.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
Ahhhh! The world is so big and there is so much to discover. Yet you live in sleepy Vienna, which is a big town too small for your cravings. In 2018, when you aren’t on an exotic island in August, or in some fine seafood restaurant slurping up oysters while convincing your dining partner that they’re fresh ones that have been driven up from the Adriatic that day, you will surely be tasting some distillery gin at a design festival around town, or brunching for hours in a hip place you didn’t have to queue for cuz’ the owner owed you a favour. With Venus making an appearance around the summer months, you’ll might just find a new love on a rooftop bar from which you can spot Stephansdom’s steeples. Let’s just hope the new love’s nearby 150sqm apartment with a balcony is close to a specialty coffee place from where they can fetch your coffee in the morning.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
This year you will surprisingly dedicate more and more of your time to health, mindfulness and taking things slow. Even though your friends say you start to sound old and should actually party more like in the old days. Still, that fancy gym membership is worth it, because you will be beach body ready before the Donauinsel season kicks in. Then again, doesn’t your yoga teacher insist it’s about loving yourself rather than fitting in with what society tells you, you have to be?
Career wise, you will be trapped when making the decision of whether to quit your job, buy a food truck on the Donaukanal in summer, open your own craft beer micro-brewery, or stay on that comfy career ladder that makes life feel like it’s on repeat in Vienna. Just wait up, as Mercury leaves your sign around autumn (we made that up), there might be a really Fesch new colleague joining the team.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
2018 is the year you will discover your true passion. You’ve already mastered baking and your croissants would put even Josephbrot to shame, you’ve become bored of the mountain climbing and are thinking of selling your gear on Willhaben, and living “zero waste” got a little less attractive after you got sick on the yoghurt you rescued from the bin out the back of Billa. And while you’ll give the Vienna marathon one more try, this year you will try bigger, more ambitious things. Sure, all your friends will leave you and so will your significant other, but maybe as spring comes, a cute face might bike by as you’re casually reading some serious literature on the grass in Burggarten. A true love, one you can love deeply and truly and give all of yourself to… for atleast a whole month… or less.
Leo (July 23–August 22)
2018 is your time to shine! As is every year. Saturn, the planet of responsibilities and maturity finally arrives in your sector (most probably not true) and puts you in the spotlight. Go ahead, join some open mics, or sign up for that poetry slam. Before the year ends, you will either have at least one FM4 interview (even if it is for streaking at the Donauinselfest) or some more 200 followers on Instagram. Whatever works man, just get out there and let the world have a piece of that talent you’ve got! On the love front, sorry to say, that person who’s good enough for you still hasn’t moved into your Bezirk.
Virgo (August 23–September 22)
Who are we to tell you what the year has in store for you – you’ve already planned the whole thing out, anyway! But one thing we can say for sure is that you’ll start your year with that brunch reservation you made 3 weeks ago. And while you’ll try to arrange yourself as neatly as the Schönbrunn gardens, there is the high possibility of tough times this year. But never mind, as you’ll clean them up as efficiently as the 48ers have a street clean after a Strassenfest…and it will be as if it never happened. And as you’re living in a city where the public transport runs on time, people stop and wait at red lights, and each season, without fail, comes with its traditions – spring equals asparagus time, summer equals Heurigen and holiday time, autumn equals pumpkin and goose time, and winter equals winter markets and Glühwein time –your comfort zone will remain as tightly sealed as all those hundreds of ziplock plastic bags you’ve got in your fridge. Oh, and as for love and finding that soul mate you so deeply believe is out there for you amongst the millions in this city, don’t forget to update your Tinder profile pic to a selfie that reflects more accurately how your pulling off that just-got-out-of-bed look, and change in the profile, ‘enjoys long walks on the Donaukanal,’ to ‘long hikes in Stuhleck that have been planned well in advance.’ The more honest you are, the more chance you’ll have of finding that match.
Libra (September 23–October 22)
You made a few mistakes in 2017, but none of them were game changers and all of them in some way or another made you stronger. You know what you want, until you don’t. So the best thing you can do is to say yes to everything in 2018. Wipe ‘no’ from your vocabulary. This may have you stepping outside of your world of cold brew coffee and fashion that’s so out there that you could pose as a mannequin in one of the boutique stores on Kohlmarkt and still stand out. When people talk controversial Austrian politics on a night out with friends, you won’t be the biggest participator, but you’ll be the one they turn to when the topic changes to new Netflix recommendations. You’re love life will involve several people until you make your mind up on who’s the most suited to you, but be careful, as this means you’ll be dodging them at every Feschmarkt and Craft wine festival you go to.
Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
2018 is finally the time to invest in yourself: you will finally get that John Harris gym membership and not hook up with your personal trainer. You will finally buy a nice bike and stop using those ugly orange and grey ones that have been trashing up the city lately. You’ll move to an inner city district and become even more social! Maybe Tinder will finally pick up new faces in your radius.
You will invest in better clothes, do some design shopping in the boutiques off of Mariahilferstrasse, and then be showing your new look off in the likes of Horst, or some other desperately needed funky club that hopefully (if there is a God) opens in 2018.
This will also be the year of networking. With Saturn approaching your sector by summer (as it does) at an Albert & Tina party, you will drunkenly be talked into joining a start up. You will quit your job and buy the latest Mac and live the rest of the year at the Impact Hub drinking bad coffee with 20 y.o. somethings because you won’t really be able to afford an office. The other alternative is that the small ambitious start up team won’t get a chance to ask you to join, as you’ll be off making out with some gal/ guy claiming to be an artist in the Albertina toilets.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
This year, your love-hate relationship with Vienna will become even more intense. While this lovely city has everything you need, your wanderlust is hard to be contained and you often dream of a city with a bigger airport and low cost flights on offer. You will spend even more hours at travel photography exhibitions and daydream in the Weltmuseum thinking of your next exit to all the exotic worlds that produced all those artefacts. You will console yourself with exotic foods from the city’s growing Asian scene, at eateries like Mamamon, Nguyen or Nam-Nam, but it just won’t taste the same as your travels. Your biggest ambition will be to find a nice apartment with a terrace (we’re kidding, who can afford that?!) where you can hang your hammock and look over the rooftops of Vienna pretending it’s a Japan skyline (imagination will be necessary).
Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
2018 will finally see a boost in your career and that much desired promotion. If you’re still a student, you’ll get that job you wanted that will put you at a desk of an inner city office, where Foodora Fridays will be a thing. Your ambitions will keep you really busy, so if your friends want to see you it will either be at a networking event, or at the self-help section in a bookshop, looking for answers on how you can become a better version of yourself. To balance things out, you will often find yourself in the Augarten doing some sunrise yoga or SUP-ing on the Danube for much-needed meditation. And since a healthy mind comes with a healthy body, your daily 6€ Smoothies bought at one of those juice bars popping up about the place will be basically a clever investment. You will find anyone attractive who can name 2 or more cryptocurrencies other than bitcoin (which is so last year!).
Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
Broadening your horizons is what the new year will be all about for you, as the expansive Jupiter moves into your 6th House of Education (wait, what?!). You will dust off your pass at the Nationalbibliothek and become a book nerd. You will buy tickets for all Viennale movies and take time off work to join open lectures at Uni Wien. To live is to learn so while your friends will be sipping cocktails in some craft cocktail bar, you will be sipping knowledge in your WG room, smiling in pure satisfaction that you can tell your friends why they feel the need to submit to society’s pressure to socialise, and that soon they will become your underlings.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
2018 sees Mercury moving into your House of Arts and Aesthetics (fancy words, huh??) which means, not only will you find a hairstyle that makes you ridiculously good looking, you will also dedicate most of your time to the beautiful things surrounding your daily life, and you’ll take a keener interest in arts. Get the Jahreskarte (yearly pass) for the Kunsthistorisches Museum, or the Leopold, and lose yourself amongst the great works of renaissance artists, or the slightly perverted and disturbing contemporary ones. Take your canvas to the wine hills of Nussberg and paint this beautiful city that we live in!! Sit with a coffee in Burggarten and look at the people passing by, admiring not only their outer, but also their inner, beauty. It’s ok to get emotional. Vienna has inspired it in the greats, just like you, in the past.
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